daliahme

which way is up?


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Biopsy

Biopsy. I’m not surprised at all that I ended up going to the hospital alone. It is, after all, just as I imagined it. I imagined a future where I would be alone and I am. It’s not distressing or frightening, I am only feeling the slight angst of a person who is facing their own mortality for the first time.

Biopsy. I’ve been fearing it and putting it off, but it feels so natural and neutral to be in this waiting room right now. Just another visit to the hospital, just preparing for minor surgery.

Afterwards i’ll go to the gym.

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Dear Mr. You

How strange it is to be writing to you under this particular set of circumstances. Time sure flew by. By the time I stopped feeling hurt by your disappearance, I met another man who hurt me by disappearing. Circle of life. I know in a few days this too shall pass, but right now i am feeling the brunt of it. Of all people, to be writing to you.. I won’t even qualify it. It was an instinct.

What can i say? He was like a whirlwind. Came out of nowhere, showed me a good time. Seemed a little distant and unimpressed the whole time. This type, the high-adrenaline type who’s lived it all before he met you, sure is hard to deal with – especially when you’ve spent the past 8 years being a fucking housewife and then two more pining over not being a housewife anymore. I’m basically living my teenage years in my late 20s, which is about as lame as it sounds.

So whatever new and exciting thing I’ve done with him was already meh for him. Not completely unlike my time with you – everything that seemed sweet and amazing for me had already lost its flavor for you. Of course this is just one aspect of a multifaceted situation, but it’s the most salient one. So I guess I’m whining over emotional pain. Clearly as I know that the sharpness of the pain will dull in a few days, I’m still struggling with it now. Coming off of the love drug sure is hard, especially after a few intense days of being with him and getting used to having him there. Damned chemicals forging addiction. Cuddling throughout the night, a double-edged sword. It brought me joy and it’s bringing me sorrow.

It’s not even a dramatic situation. There’s no hard feelings between us and I’m sure that were I to return to Malmo one day and were we both single, we’d just reprise our little pseudorelationship. The facts are, I’m leaving. I know what kind of work I want to do and none of the relevant institutions are in Sweden. He likes me, but not enough to make dramatic life changes to continue what we have going. So in a few days, the curtain will go down on our show. This is a bit like fearing a paper cut after going through open heart surgery without any kind of anaesthesia – i know I’ve been through worse and I know I’ll be fine. I’ll be better because of this experience, I’ve lived beautifully with him and learned. I did things I never expected I’d do and I grew. Overall I’m glad I met him and I’m glad he was in my life. It makes me excited when I think I will most likely meet other people and learn from them as well.

I just get a little emotional when an experience comes to an end. It’s human to do so, after all. I hate being emotional when rationally this termination is the best option but here I am. Torn between wanting to live the pain and feel the pain and at the same time, wanting to just shake it off as an unnecessary evil.

Addiction. The desire for human connection. The desire for human touch. Powerful weapons. Most of the time, we aim these at ourselves. I try to rise above them, float peacefully above emotional turbulence. But imagine getting high all day every day for three days. I’m torn between wanting to get off the ride and wanting to get another ticket. Torn between wanting to have as much of him as possible before we leave and fearing an overdose. At the same time, I know I am strong enough to deal with this pain.

And I’m a bit of a masochist.. I do this to myself.

 

March 2018

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People have been coming and going. It’s been a whirlwind. I’ve been working on my future and I didn’t notice how 2/3 of the month is already gone. Things have been good and strange and always-changing.

I’ve casually had my eyes on a little male candy since last year. As good fortune would have it, I believe I have successfully caught the attention of the eye candy.

We’ve been speaking ever since and I’m deeply enjoying it. I get the little thrill when I get a message from him – although I am now old and jaded and I no longer get the butterflies or the images in my head or the little stories of how our future will develop. I’ve had these thoughts in my head since I was a child and now they’re gone. I live in the moment.

Right now I am alone and, to be super duper honest, I’m grateful for the silence and for having nobody around me and having nowhere to go.

I’ve been coming and going, visiting and walking, and walking and hurting my feet and freezing my butt. Talking and talking and talking and … I could just be still for a little while. It’s been a while since I’ve been able to be still with my thoughts. I like being still with my thoughts.


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Dreams DO come true.

I believe that a turning point in my development as a human being has been my decision to study abroad. I moved to Sweden right after graduating from high school, which has been incredibly difficult from an emotional point of view, as I was not prepared for this transition. This is a matter of individual personality.

Studying abroad has been so difficult for me that I decided to freeze my studies, come back home to Romania and work for about 3 years. During this years, I’ve experienced even more emotional difficulty, as I was asking myself, “What can I do now? What kind of job can I hope to have without a college degree?”. Eventually I realized I want a career in politics, either supranational or national – or, hopefully, both – and I further realized how necessary a proper education was in the achievement of this goal. That is when I decided to return to my studies. As such I am currently in Sweden, completing my final term and writing my Bachelors thesis. I will be graduating this summer, when I will also be hearing about my EPSO test results.

Dreams DO come true.

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