which way is up?

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Wednesday December 20th, 2017

Foreign Policy. Vocal training. Pole dancing girls.
Uncertainty. Protests. Old e-mails.
Therapy. Road trips. Dirty dishes.
Dust. No water or food in the house.
Coffee. Pink hair. Friends with turquoise hair.
Ukulele. Standing in my hands.
My two cats. Reading. Audiobooks.
Deleting the comments. Deleting the memory.
Deleting pain.
Deleting scars.
Deleting memories.
Hope. Determination. Plan.


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Leftover pain

I have leftover pain.
Like the leftovers lying cold in the fridge.
Like a puddle after a thunderstorm.
Like a single penny from a ship of riches.
Leftover pain.

It used to engulf me.
Every minute of every hour.
It felt like the seas were closing in on me.
I couldn’t breathe.
Leftover pain.

The final jolts of a dying body.
The final claps of a standing ovation.
Like the last man standing of a whole entire nation.

It used to feel like the whole of humanity
Was crying along with me.
Leftover pain.

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My life must start

​My life must start
I’m already late.
I’ve been late my whole life
A little more behind with each step
And i swear the others were laughing at me
Me, forever small
Dreaming of being tall
dreaming of mountain tops.
Forever dreaming.
With every laugh,
a bit of me was torn apart.
The mountains grew bigger,
And i grew smaller.
This is why I am already late
And I’ve been late my whole life.

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We don’t talk anymore

We don’t talk anymore

I refuse to talk to you
I leave your messages unanswered
You said you wish me well
And I managed not to tell you
That I hope you burn in hell

I’ve hated people before
For the same reason –
Hurting me to the brink of self-harm
But you.. the stain you left
On my heart
It feels eternal.

And what saddens me is that I know
One day you will mean
And that is somehow worse.

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Evening update

I am simply lacking all writing inspiration. I wish I could write, I feel that I have a lot to write, but there is nothing extraordinary coming out of me. I feel that I am still in the middle of everything, experiencing rather than looking back on things, so I can’t really put my finger on what I’m feeling. Each day is a new experience. I can’t even be still anymore, I need to move. My life is moving faster than me and I need to catch up. I either act or lag behind. And lagging behind is never good.

How I feel? Tired. Scared. I pressed the pause button and now life is pressing “play” and I either play or fuck up. And this time I will not fuck up, I know I am ready to make the right choices with my life. I feel like love has been pulling me behind, stopping me from acting as I should have. So to a certain extent I am happy that love has fled my building. I wasn’t ready for it, I didn’t know how to handle it and it ended up handling me and it took years and so much effort on my part to bring myself back to a point where I feel – and not always – that I am ready to move forward independently.

I know I shouldn’t hate love – but I do. I know that love isn’t supposed to stunt us but to help us grow.. and in my case, love was possibly the worst thing that ever happened to me. I shouldn’t blame love, I should blame my inability to handle it. I should blame how weak I was and how I ignored what was right to do versus what was easy to do. I should have ended love sooner, I should have spent some time on my own before rekindling love like old soup that’s still nutritious but not delicious 🙂

I’ve learned a lot, definitely more than I thought I could handle. I never knew I could be this strong – and perhaps I could have been ever stronger. I know that in the future I will be able to handle heartache a million time better and I am ashamed now at how I handled things this time around. And last time around. And every time around. Perhaps I am deluding myself and next time I will be equally shitty.

I don’t know why heartache is such a great catalyst for growth. I know it isn’t the case for everybody and time is definitely not the only factor you should be counting on to help you out of your rut. If there’s anything I have learned, it’s that you need to pull yourself by the bootstraps and not wait for anything or anybody to pull you out of the mess that is your life. I wish I had learned all these things when I was younger. I can’t help but feel that I’ve thrown a lot of my life away – and I am certainly behind my peers when it comes to my professional life.

I leave you with one the ted talks that has helped me while I was struggling.


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Tunnel of pain

Yeah. Long time no write. I stopped writing both to you and in general. I felt there were no words. And there weren’t. I’ve been vlogging instead – but keeping the videos to myself. I don’t think I will ever post them, they’re not compatible with the political career I have in mind. Sometimes I just needed to blurt out a lot of words expressing a lot of feeling and I didn’t want to spam any of my poor friends who have had to suffer the fallout of this breakup.

What was the point of this e-mail? I don’t really know. I miss the one person who understood me. Or, the one who lovingly tried to understand and help. Or is my memory skewed? Maybe I just long for a person who understands me, who literally resonates with what I am feeling. A person who doesn’t need to ask a bunch of retarded questions and still manages to miss the point. it’s surprising, you know?

Most if not all of my friends seem to having difficulties empathizing with my pain. I’m certain even you don’t understand it. No, i’m not a special snowflake, no, i’m not the only person in this world who has ever felt pain. I just feel like i’m not getting the relief i’m searching for. Maybe it’s because everybody’s got their own problems. Maybe I just haven’t found the right friends. Maybe, for a while, there will simply be no relief.

Everyday is a new search. The search to not be alone. Then, the next step – to not be alone and to be in good company. Sometimes the query returns no answer. What do you do? Give up? No. you search some more. And again. You get up and do it all again, every day. You get scared, you get burned, you try again. Sometimes being alone is better. I definitely prefer it to being in the wrong crowd at the wrong moment. I’ve learned that taking care of myself is better than caring for other people’s feelings. And if I don’t really know what’s best or more helpful for me, I sometimes make the wrong choice and have to adjust along the way. Oh well.

Everyday is a new search. The search to not feel so much pain. This means striking a balance between what is helpful, what is effective, what is healthy, what is affordable, what is sustainable, what doesn’t hurt anybody else and what doesn’t hurt you in the long term. Sometimes this query returns no answer so you have to remove some of the factors 🙂 maybe you try something that is effective but unhealthy. Not sustainable but effective. Effective but hurtful to other people.. you learn a lot in the process.

There’s good days and bad days. You start to prioritize. When your kitchen is on fire and the phone is ringing, you don’t answer the phone first.. 🙂 Sometimes a bad mood will just fucking come out of nowhere, goddamnit. You discover ways to manage it. And my friends don’t even realize all the effort that I put into just being a functional human being. I realized that no, I’m not running at 100% capacity. I’m trying my hardest but life has simply struck me. And yes, I know, I have my share of blame for everything i’m going through right now. And yes, I know at the other end of this tunnel of pain I will come out stronger and more capable to manage life’s miseries, but right now.. I have tunnel vision 🙂

Those who take the time to listen to me – to actually listen to me – see that I am making progress and making a real effort to dig myself out of this. But I wish I had somebody to share this misery with.


Rest in peace, dear.